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| Boilerpipe Text | Last week, my son Aaron made the school soccer team. Boy, was I proud. And I couldnât stop saying so. âGood job, buddy! Youâre the best!â I beamed, he beamed, and all seemed right with the world.
Itâs not the first time my kids have heard me shout their praises. Iâm the resident cheering section, their biggest fan, a back-patter extraordinaire. These days, you can find me handing out compliments as if theyâre sticks of gumâwhen my kids practise guitar, score a goal or help with dishes. The mom logic goes like this: The kid does well (or well enough for me), so I make him feel great about himself. Itâs called boosting
self-esteem
. Or so I thought. Here are some things you may not have considered about building self-esteem in children.
1. Step back
As it turns out, there are better ways to build self-esteem than heaping on praise for everything kids doâstarting with helping them become competent in the world, says Jim Taylor, author of the book
Your Kids Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You
. To do so, though, you have to learn to step back and let your child take risks, make choices, solve problems and stick with what they start.
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images
2. Over-praising kids does more harm than good
Self-esteem comes from feeling loved and secure, and from
developing competence
, Taylor says, and although parents often shower their kids with the first two ingredients, competenceâbecoming good at thingsâtakes time and effort. âAs much as we may want to, we canât praise our kids into competence,â he says.
In fact, by over-praising kids, weâre doing more harm than good. âWeâre lowering the bar for them,â Taylor says. âIf you keep telling your child she is already doing a fantastic job, youâre saying she no longer needs to push herself. But confidence comes from doing, from trying and failing and trying againâfrom practice.â
Samantha MacLeod, who has four boys, ages one to nine, believes constant complimenting can actually erode self-esteem. Either kids start thinking theyâre perfect, or they
try to be perfect all the time
âan impossible standard. And inaccurate praise confuses them, she says. âIf my son canât spell and I tell him heâs doing terrific, he learns not to trust his own instincts. He also learns that praise is just flat-out lying.â
Plus, Taylor adds, telling your child heâs the best, the smartest, or the most talented is setting him up for some very bad news down the road. Youâre creating an egomaniac who thinks his scribbles are Rothkos but, sooner or later, heâll discover heâs not all that after all.
3. Let your child take healthy risks
Start by forcing yourself to stand back while your child takes healthy risks, says Victoria Sopik, CEO of Kids & Company, a corporate childcare service in Toronto, and a mother of eight. âTo build confidence in the world, kids have to take chances, make choices and take responsibility for them,â Sopik says. She sees too many parents trying to rescue their kids from failure all the time.
Sopik remembers staring from across the room as her two-year-old son, Fraser, lifted a huge jug of orange pop at a fancy party. âHe was about to pour it into a glass, and I just stood there, holding my breath,â Sopik recalls. Rather than trying to save her son before he had a chance to try, Sopik watched as Fraser spilled the pop all over the floor.
Then came the best part: Fraser found a waitress, asked for a paper towel and cleaned up his own mess. âHe solved his own problemâjust like we do as successful adults,â Sopik says.
Maria Korneeva/ Getty Images
4. Let kids make their own choices
When kids make their own age-appropriate choices, they feel more powerful, says Sopik, pointing out that kids as young as two can start considering the consequences of their decisions. Sopik always let her kids decide on their own whether to
wear a coat, hat and mittens in winter
. âOnce they knew the difference between warm and cold, it was up to them. They should have control over their bodies and take responsibility for their choices,â she says. Considering letting your child go without a coat in winter? Bring their winter wear in an inconspicuous bag. It's okay to show them you've got their back when they make decisions that don't work out.
Marilyn Nieves/ Getty Images
5. Let them help around the house
In building self-esteem, kids also need opportunities to demonstrate their competence and feel that their contribution is valuable, says Taylor. At home, that means asking them, even when theyâre toddlers, to help with cooking, setting the table and making beds.
aquaArts studio/ Getty Images
6. Encourage them to pursue their interests (fully)
Another surefire way to boost confidence in kids is to encourage them to take on tasks they show interest in, then make sure they follow through to completion. It doesnât matter what the task isâit could be anything from swimming laps to beating levels in video games. The point is for them to stick with what they start, so they feel that hit of accomplishment at the end.
FG Trade/ Getty Images
07
Model self-compassion out loud
Kids donât just learn confidence from what we say to them; they absorb how we talk to ourselves. When parents openly acknowledge mistakes without spiralling into shame, kids learn that messing up isnât a character flaw; itâs part of being human.
That can be as simple as narrating your own process:
â
Ugh, I burned dinner. Thatâs frustratingâbut it happens. Iâll try something different next time.
â
Or admitting when you donât know something and showing how you figure it out. This teaches kids that confidence isnât about being perfect, itâs about trusting yourself to recover.
Research consistently shows that self-compassion is linked to greater resilience and motivation than harsh self-criticism. When kids see you treat yourself with patience and humour, they learn to extend that same kindness inward when things donât go their way.
What to do when children struggle or fail
What if your childâs self-esteem plummets when she gets cut from the gymnastics team or canât memorize multiplication tables?
PIKSEL/ Getty Images
1. Donât lose sleep over it
âSo many parents have it backward," Taylor says. "They think struggles and failure will hurt their kidsâ self-esteem, but itâs actually a golden opportunity to help build it.â
VioletaStoimenova/ Getty Images
2. Make clear that your love is unconditional
Let your child know you love her even when she fails or makes bad decisions. If all you talk about is performance, Sopik points out, she will think you only love her for her report card or the lead she got in the play.
Erdark/ Getty Images
3. Make sure your childâs goals are within reach, at a level appropriate for his ability
That may mean suggesting he join house league, where he can feel like a star rather than being the last one picked on the AA team. MacLeod learned this lesson when her son, Alex, was in grade two. Feeling like a failure at reading, Alex was ready to give up when MacLeod brought home some Magic Tree House books, which were slightly below Alexâs level. âHe read one every two days and was so proud of himself that he went on to read the Goosebumps series, no problem,â she recalls. Afterward, mother and son talked about how Alexâs choice to practise paid off, and she praised his perseverance.
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images
4. Offer appropriate praise
Although praise is often misused, when itâs specific and earned, it is a valuable self-esteem builder, Taylor says.
Lorna Crosse, a former music teacher, remembers asking her choir students to keep a âbrag fileâ full of praise they earned. Any time they saw their names in a program or newspaper article or received a complimentary note, they were to put it inside. âWhen the kids had a bad day, they would take out those words of praise and read all the neat things they had done, and it would make them feel better about themselves.â
The brag file works because it shows kids specific ways theyâre special and teaches them that practise reaps rewards, Taylor says. And itâs the practiseâthe effortâthat should be the focus of praise, Sopik says. âDonât just say âgreat playâ. Tell him it was awesome how he passed the ball to his teammate.â
And keep in mind that a little indirect praise, such as stars on a
chore chart
, can work wonders. Mom Nancy Botelho gets even more inventive. She makes sure her kids âoverhearâ a little boasting. âIâll tell my friends how the teacher said Margaret is so kind, or how I saw Bridget working so hard at tying her shoes. The kids just shine. Since they were spying, they know I mean it, and Iâm not just trying to make them feel good.â
RyanJLane/ Getty Images
Your self-esteem checklist
Here are some of the things that the Canadian Mental Health Association says you can do to help raise confidentânot coddledâkids:
Feel special.
Itâs important for you to help your children discover their own unique talents and qualities, and to value their own strengths. But also teach them that feeling special doesnât mean feeling better than others.
Set goals.
Teach your kids to work towards a goal and to have pride in their accomplishments. Provide them with opportunities for success.
Try, try again.
Encourage your children to try things their own way, face challenges and take risks.
SDI Productions/ Getty Images
This article was originally published on May 01, 2020
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# 11 Tips For Building Self-Esteem In Children
Simply praising your child can actually do more harm than good. Here's a comprehensive guide on how to build self confidence in a child.
By Randi Chapnik Myers
Updated Jan 21, 2026
Listen to this article
Last week, my son Aaron made the school soccer team. Boy, was I proud. And I couldnât stop saying so. âGood job, buddy! Youâre the best!â I beamed, he beamed, and all seemed right with the world.
Itâs not the first time my kids have heard me shout their praises. Iâm the resident cheering section, their biggest fan, a back-patter extraordinaire. These days, you can find me handing out compliments as if theyâre sticks of gumâwhen my kids practise guitar, score a goal or help with dishes. The mom logic goes like this: The kid does well (or well enough for me), so I make him feel great about himself. Itâs called boosting [self-esteem](https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/self-esteem-tips/). Or so I thought. Here are some things you may not have considered about building self-esteem in children.
## **1\. Step back**
As it turns out, there are better ways to build self-esteem than heaping on praise for everything kids doâstarting with helping them become competent in the world, says Jim Taylor, author of the book *Your Kids Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You*. To do so, though, you have to learn to step back and let your child take risks, make choices, solve problems and stick with what they start.
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images
## **2\. Over-praising kids does more harm than good**
Self-esteem comes from feeling loved and secure, and from [developing competence](https://www.todaysparent.com/parenting/how-to-raise-a-self-sufficient-kid/), Taylor says, and although parents often shower their kids with the first two ingredients, competenceâbecoming good at thingsâtakes time and effort. âAs much as we may want to, we canât praise our kids into competence,â he says.
Advertisement
In fact, by over-praising kids, weâre doing more harm than good. âWeâre lowering the bar for them,â Taylor says. âIf you keep telling your child she is already doing a fantastic job, youâre saying she no longer needs to push herself. But confidence comes from doing, from trying and failing and trying againâfrom practice.â
Samantha MacLeod, who has four boys, ages one to nine, believes constant complimenting can actually erode self-esteem. Either kids start thinking theyâre perfect, or they [try to be perfect all the time](https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-health/nobodys-perfect-how-to-handle-your-childs-perfectionism/)âan impossible standard. And inaccurate praise confuses them, she says. âIf my son canât spell and I tell him heâs doing terrific, he learns not to trust his own instincts. He also learns that praise is just flat-out lying.â
Plus, Taylor adds, telling your child heâs the best, the smartest, or the most talented is setting him up for some very bad news down the road. Youâre creating an egomaniac who thinks his scribbles are Rothkos but, sooner or later, heâll discover heâs not all that after all.
## **3\. Let your child take healthy risks**
Start by forcing yourself to stand back while your child takes healthy risks, says Victoria Sopik, CEO of Kids & Company, a corporate childcare service in Toronto, and a mother of eight. âTo build confidence in the world, kids have to take chances, make choices and take responsibility for them,â Sopik says. She sees too many parents trying to rescue their kids from failure all the time.
Advertisement
Sopik remembers staring from across the room as her two-year-old son, Fraser, lifted a huge jug of orange pop at a fancy party. âHe was about to pour it into a glass, and I just stood there, holding my breath,â Sopik recalls. Rather than trying to save her son before he had a chance to try, Sopik watched as Fraser spilled the pop all over the floor.
Then came the best part: Fraser found a waitress, asked for a paper towel and cleaned up his own mess. âHe solved his own problemâjust like we do as successful adults,â Sopik says.
Maria Korneeva/ Getty Images
## **4\. Let kids make their own choices**
When kids make their own age-appropriate choices, they feel more powerful, says Sopik, pointing out that kids as young as two can start considering the consequences of their decisions. Sopik always let her kids decide on their own whether to [wear a coat, hat and mittens in winter](https://www.todaysparent.com/toddler/how-to-get-your-toddler-to-wear-winter-clothes/). âOnce they knew the difference between warm and cold, it was up to them. They should have control over their bodies and take responsibility for their choices,â she says. Considering letting your child go without a coat in winter? Bring their winter wear in an inconspicuous bag. It's okay to show them you've got their back when they make decisions that don't work out.
Marilyn Nieves/ Getty Images
## **5\. Let them help around the house**
In building self-esteem, kids also need opportunities to demonstrate their competence and feel that their contribution is valuable, says Taylor. At home, that means asking them, even when theyâre toddlers, to help with cooking, setting the table and making beds.
Advertisement
aquaArts studio/ Getty Images
## **6\. Encourage them to pursue their interests (fully)**
Another surefire way to boost confidence in kids is to encourage them to take on tasks they show interest in, then make sure they follow through to completion. It doesnât matter what the task isâit could be anything from swimming laps to beating levels in video games. The point is for them to stick with what they start, so they feel that hit of accomplishment at the end.
FG Trade/ Getty Images
## 07Model self-compassion out loud
Kids donât just learn confidence from what we say to them; they absorb how we talk to ourselves. When parents openly acknowledge mistakes without spiralling into shame, kids learn that messing up isnât a character flaw; itâs part of being human.
That can be as simple as narrating your own process: *â*Ugh, I burned dinner. Thatâs frustratingâbut it happens. Iâll try something different next time.*â* Or admitting when you donât know something and showing how you figure it out. This teaches kids that confidence isnât about being perfect, itâs about trusting yourself to recover.
Research consistently shows that self-compassion is linked to greater resilience and motivation than harsh self-criticism. When kids see you treat yourself with patience and humour, they learn to extend that same kindness inward when things donât go their way.
Advertisement
## **What to do when children struggle or fail**
What if your childâs self-esteem plummets when she gets cut from the gymnastics team or canât memorize multiplication tables?
PIKSEL/ Getty Images
## **1\. Donât lose sleep over it**
âSo many parents have it backward," Taylor says. "They think struggles and failure will hurt their kidsâ self-esteem, but itâs actually a golden opportunity to help build it.â
VioletaStoimenova/ Getty Images
## **2\. Make clear that your love is unconditional**
Let your child know you love her even when she fails or makes bad decisions. If all you talk about is performance, Sopik points out, she will think you only love her for her report card or the lead she got in the play.
Advertisement
Erdark/ Getty Images
## **3\. Make sure your childâs goals are within reach, at a level appropriate for his ability**
That may mean suggesting he join house league, where he can feel like a star rather than being the last one picked on the AA team. MacLeod learned this lesson when her son, Alex, was in grade two. Feeling like a failure at reading, Alex was ready to give up when MacLeod brought home some Magic Tree House books, which were slightly below Alexâs level. âHe read one every two days and was so proud of himself that he went on to read the Goosebumps series, no problem,â she recalls. Afterward, mother and son talked about how Alexâs choice to practise paid off, and she praised his perseverance.
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images
## **4\. Offer appropriate praise**
Although praise is often misused, when itâs specific and earned, it is a valuable self-esteem builder, Taylor says.
Lorna Crosse, a former music teacher, remembers asking her choir students to keep a âbrag fileâ full of praise they earned. Any time they saw their names in a program or newspaper article or received a complimentary note, they were to put it inside. âWhen the kids had a bad day, they would take out those words of praise and read all the neat things they had done, and it would make them feel better about themselves.â
The brag file works because it shows kids specific ways theyâre special and teaches them that practise reaps rewards, Taylor says. And itâs the practiseâthe effortâthat should be the focus of praise, Sopik says. âDonât just say âgreat playâ. Tell him it was awesome how he passed the ball to his teammate.â
Advertisement
And keep in mind that a little indirect praise, such as stars on a [chore chart](https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/printable-age-by-age-chore-chart/), can work wonders. Mom Nancy Botelho gets even more inventive. She makes sure her kids âoverhearâ a little boasting. âIâll tell my friends how the teacher said Margaret is so kind, or how I saw Bridget working so hard at tying her shoes. The kids just shine. Since they were spying, they know I mean it, and Iâm not just trying to make them feel good.â
RyanJLane/ Getty Images
## **Your self-esteem checklist**
Here are some of the things that the Canadian Mental Health Association says you can do to help raise confidentânot coddledâkids:
**Feel special.** Itâs important for you to help your children discover their own unique talents and qualities, and to value their own strengths. But also teach them that feeling special doesnât mean feeling better than others.
**Set goals.** Teach your kids to work towards a goal and to have pride in their accomplishments. Provide them with opportunities for success.
Advertisement
**Try, try again.** Encourage your children to try things their own way, face challenges and take risks.
SDI Productions/ Getty Images
This article was originally published on May 01, 2020
### Modern parenting, made easier
Expert tips, stories and support straight to your inbox.
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| Readable Markdown | 
Last week, my son Aaron made the school soccer team. Boy, was I proud. And I couldnât stop saying so. âGood job, buddy! Youâre the best!â I beamed, he beamed, and all seemed right with the world.
Itâs not the first time my kids have heard me shout their praises. Iâm the resident cheering section, their biggest fan, a back-patter extraordinaire. These days, you can find me handing out compliments as if theyâre sticks of gumâwhen my kids practise guitar, score a goal or help with dishes. The mom logic goes like this: The kid does well (or well enough for me), so I make him feel great about himself. Itâs called boosting [self-esteem](https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/self-esteem-tips/). Or so I thought. Here are some things you may not have considered about building self-esteem in children.
## **1\. Step back**
As it turns out, there are better ways to build self-esteem than heaping on praise for everything kids doâstarting with helping them become competent in the world, says Jim Taylor, author of the book *Your Kids Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You*. To do so, though, you have to learn to step back and let your child take risks, make choices, solve problems and stick with what they start.
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images
## **2\. Over-praising kids does more harm than good**
Self-esteem comes from feeling loved and secure, and from [developing competence](https://www.todaysparent.com/parenting/how-to-raise-a-self-sufficient-kid/), Taylor says, and although parents often shower their kids with the first two ingredients, competenceâbecoming good at thingsâtakes time and effort. âAs much as we may want to, we canât praise our kids into competence,â he says.
In fact, by over-praising kids, weâre doing more harm than good. âWeâre lowering the bar for them,â Taylor says. âIf you keep telling your child she is already doing a fantastic job, youâre saying she no longer needs to push herself. But confidence comes from doing, from trying and failing and trying againâfrom practice.â
Samantha MacLeod, who has four boys, ages one to nine, believes constant complimenting can actually erode self-esteem. Either kids start thinking theyâre perfect, or they [try to be perfect all the time](https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-health/nobodys-perfect-how-to-handle-your-childs-perfectionism/)âan impossible standard. And inaccurate praise confuses them, she says. âIf my son canât spell and I tell him heâs doing terrific, he learns not to trust his own instincts. He also learns that praise is just flat-out lying.â
Plus, Taylor adds, telling your child heâs the best, the smartest, or the most talented is setting him up for some very bad news down the road. Youâre creating an egomaniac who thinks his scribbles are Rothkos but, sooner or later, heâll discover heâs not all that after all.
## **3\. Let your child take healthy risks**
Start by forcing yourself to stand back while your child takes healthy risks, says Victoria Sopik, CEO of Kids & Company, a corporate childcare service in Toronto, and a mother of eight. âTo build confidence in the world, kids have to take chances, make choices and take responsibility for them,â Sopik says. She sees too many parents trying to rescue their kids from failure all the time.
Sopik remembers staring from across the room as her two-year-old son, Fraser, lifted a huge jug of orange pop at a fancy party. âHe was about to pour it into a glass, and I just stood there, holding my breath,â Sopik recalls. Rather than trying to save her son before he had a chance to try, Sopik watched as Fraser spilled the pop all over the floor.
Then came the best part: Fraser found a waitress, asked for a paper towel and cleaned up his own mess. âHe solved his own problemâjust like we do as successful adults,â Sopik says.
Maria Korneeva/ Getty Images
## **4\. Let kids make their own choices**
When kids make their own age-appropriate choices, they feel more powerful, says Sopik, pointing out that kids as young as two can start considering the consequences of their decisions. Sopik always let her kids decide on their own whether to [wear a coat, hat and mittens in winter](https://www.todaysparent.com/toddler/how-to-get-your-toddler-to-wear-winter-clothes/). âOnce they knew the difference between warm and cold, it was up to them. They should have control over their bodies and take responsibility for their choices,â she says. Considering letting your child go without a coat in winter? Bring their winter wear in an inconspicuous bag. It's okay to show them you've got their back when they make decisions that don't work out.
Marilyn Nieves/ Getty Images
## **5\. Let them help around the house**
In building self-esteem, kids also need opportunities to demonstrate their competence and feel that their contribution is valuable, says Taylor. At home, that means asking them, even when theyâre toddlers, to help with cooking, setting the table and making beds.
aquaArts studio/ Getty Images
## **6\. Encourage them to pursue their interests (fully)**
Another surefire way to boost confidence in kids is to encourage them to take on tasks they show interest in, then make sure they follow through to completion. It doesnât matter what the task isâit could be anything from swimming laps to beating levels in video games. The point is for them to stick with what they start, so they feel that hit of accomplishment at the end.
FG Trade/ Getty Images
## 07Model self-compassion out loud
Kids donât just learn confidence from what we say to them; they absorb how we talk to ourselves. When parents openly acknowledge mistakes without spiralling into shame, kids learn that messing up isnât a character flaw; itâs part of being human.
That can be as simple as narrating your own process: *â*Ugh, I burned dinner. Thatâs frustratingâbut it happens. Iâll try something different next time.*â* Or admitting when you donât know something and showing how you figure it out. This teaches kids that confidence isnât about being perfect, itâs about trusting yourself to recover.
Research consistently shows that self-compassion is linked to greater resilience and motivation than harsh self-criticism. When kids see you treat yourself with patience and humour, they learn to extend that same kindness inward when things donât go their way.
## **What to do when children struggle or fail**
What if your childâs self-esteem plummets when she gets cut from the gymnastics team or canât memorize multiplication tables?
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## **1\. Donât lose sleep over it**
âSo many parents have it backward," Taylor says. "They think struggles and failure will hurt their kidsâ self-esteem, but itâs actually a golden opportunity to help build it.â
VioletaStoimenova/ Getty Images
## **2\. Make clear that your love is unconditional**
Let your child know you love her even when she fails or makes bad decisions. If all you talk about is performance, Sopik points out, she will think you only love her for her report card or the lead she got in the play.
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## **3\. Make sure your childâs goals are within reach, at a level appropriate for his ability**
That may mean suggesting he join house league, where he can feel like a star rather than being the last one picked on the AA team. MacLeod learned this lesson when her son, Alex, was in grade two. Feeling like a failure at reading, Alex was ready to give up when MacLeod brought home some Magic Tree House books, which were slightly below Alexâs level. âHe read one every two days and was so proud of himself that he went on to read the Goosebumps series, no problem,â she recalls. Afterward, mother and son talked about how Alexâs choice to practise paid off, and she praised his perseverance.
Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images
## **4\. Offer appropriate praise**
Although praise is often misused, when itâs specific and earned, it is a valuable self-esteem builder, Taylor says.
Lorna Crosse, a former music teacher, remembers asking her choir students to keep a âbrag fileâ full of praise they earned. Any time they saw their names in a program or newspaper article or received a complimentary note, they were to put it inside. âWhen the kids had a bad day, they would take out those words of praise and read all the neat things they had done, and it would make them feel better about themselves.â
The brag file works because it shows kids specific ways theyâre special and teaches them that practise reaps rewards, Taylor says. And itâs the practiseâthe effortâthat should be the focus of praise, Sopik says. âDonât just say âgreat playâ. Tell him it was awesome how he passed the ball to his teammate.â
And keep in mind that a little indirect praise, such as stars on a [chore chart](https://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/printable-age-by-age-chore-chart/), can work wonders. Mom Nancy Botelho gets even more inventive. She makes sure her kids âoverhearâ a little boasting. âIâll tell my friends how the teacher said Margaret is so kind, or how I saw Bridget working so hard at tying her shoes. The kids just shine. Since they were spying, they know I mean it, and Iâm not just trying to make them feel good.â
RyanJLane/ Getty Images
## **Your self-esteem checklist**
Here are some of the things that the Canadian Mental Health Association says you can do to help raise confidentânot coddledâkids:
**Feel special.** Itâs important for you to help your children discover their own unique talents and qualities, and to value their own strengths. But also teach them that feeling special doesnât mean feeling better than others.
**Set goals.** Teach your kids to work towards a goal and to have pride in their accomplishments. Provide them with opportunities for success.
**Try, try again.** Encourage your children to try things their own way, face challenges and take risks.
SDI Productions/ Getty Images
This article was originally published on May 01, 2020
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