🕷️ Crawler Inspector

URL Lookup

Direct Parameter Lookup

Raw Queries and Responses

1. Shard Calculation

Query:

Response:

Calculated Shard: 61 (from laksa143)

2. Crawled Status Check

Query:

curl -X POST \
  'http://laksa061.int.ahrefs:8124/' \
  -H 'Content-Type: text/plain' \
  -H 'X-ClickHouse-Database: crawler3' \
  -H 'Authorization: Basic YXBpOg==' \
  -d 'SELECT getAhrefsURLFromUnparsed(src_unparsed) AS found_url, ifNull(toUnixTimestamp(download_stamp), 0) AS crawl_time, ifNull(toUnixTimestamp(props_url_first_seen), 0) AS first_indexed_time, download_http_code AS http_code, src_unparsed AS src_unparsed, src_root_hash AS src_root_hash, history_drop_reason AS history_drop_reason, meta_title AS meta_title, meta_descriptions AS meta_descriptions, attrs_boilerpipe_text AS attrs_boilerpipe_text, attrs_markdown AS attrs_markdown, attrs_readable_markdown AS attrs_readable_markdown, meta_canonical AS meta_canonical, ml_categories_json AS ml_categories_json, ml_types_json AS ml_types_json, ml_intent_types_json AS ml_intent_types_json, meta_language AS meta_language, attrs_author AS attrs_author, ifNull(toUnixTimestamp(attrs_publish_time), 0) AS attrs_publish_time, ifNull(toUnixTimestamp(attrs_original_publish_time), 0) AS attrs_original_publish_time, ifNull(attrs_is_republished, 0) AS attrs_is_republished, ifNull(attrs_nr_words, 0) AS attrs_nr_words, ifNull(attrs_boilerpipe_nr_words, 0) AS attrs_boilerpipe_nr_words, ifNull(body_ext_links_number, 0) AS body_ext_links_number, ifNull(body_int_links_number, 0) AS body_int_links_number, ifNull(meta_nofollow, 0) AS meta_nofollow, ifNull(meta_noarchive, 0) AS meta_noarchive, ifNull(props_was_rendered, 0) AS props_was_rendered, ifNull(src_redirect, \'\') AS src_redirect, ifNull(download_time_msec, 0) AS download_time_msec, ifNull(download_ttfb_msec, 0) AS download_ttfb_msec, ifNull(download_size, 0) AS download_size FROM crawler3.page_info_local FINAL PREWHERE (src_root_hash, src_unparsed) IN ((getAhrefsRootHashFromUnparsed(getAhrefsUnparsedNoserviceFromURL(\'https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351\')), getAhrefsUnparsedNoserviceFromURL(\'https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351\'))) FORMAT JSONEachRow'

Response:

{"found_url":"https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/inspiration\/funny-quotes-rcna125351","crawl_time":1776239316,"first_indexed_time":1701402195,"http_code":200,"src_unparsed":"com,today!www,\/life\/inspiration\/funny-quotes-rcna125351 s443","src_root_hash":"14344358153203253461","history_drop_reason":null,"meta_title":"175 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud","meta_descriptions":["These are the best funny quotes to make you laugh about life, aging, family, work and nature, with quips from comedy greats like Bob Hope and Robin Williams."],"attrs_boilerpipe_text":"These amusing quotes from celebrities, comedians, movies and TV shows are a total riot.\nUpdated Sept. 29, 2025, 1:05 PM UTC\nThese funny quotes are going to have you in stitches.\njacoblund \/ Getty Images\nCreate your free account \nor log in to save this article\nNothing inspires a laugh or two more than a well-timed wisecrack, funny one-liner or corny\ndad joke\n.\nFortunately, thanks to a variety of comedians,\nmovies\n, sitcoms and other outlets, there's no shortage of funny quips to choose from. You know the ones — the lines you break out at family functions or when you're hanging out with\nyour besties\n.\nWhether your supply of\namusing gags\nis running low or you're in the market for a few chuckles, you're in luck, because we've collected a comprehensive list of funny quotes to use as needed.\nFor example, you probably remember Chandler Bing’s classic line\nfrom “Friends,”\n“I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” Or Will Ferrell’s hilarious observation: “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”\nIf you like those funny lines, then you’re going to love this comprehensive collection of entertaining sayings that cover all the comedy basics including family, work, life,\naging\n,\nnature\nand just about every other topic that calls for a healthy sense of humor.\nFrom Jim Carrey and\nConan O'Brien\nto Joan Rivers and\nDolly Parton\n,  these funny quotes are sure to have you in stitches for the foreseeable future.\nFunny Quotes\n“Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” — Sandra Bullock \n“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin\n“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”\n“I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City”\n“The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.” — Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”\n“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams \n“Don’t be so humble — you're not that great.” ― Golda Meir\n“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” ― Judith Martin\n“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”\n“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde\n“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking”\n“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz\n“Instant gratification takes too long.” ― Carrie Fisher\n“Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n“Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” ― Bo Derek\n“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” — Jack Handy\n“I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, “Friends”\n“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ― Mitch Hedberg\n“I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”\n“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz\n“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers\n“I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton\n“It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine\n“I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, “Finding Dory” \n“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, “Diggers”\n“To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” — Wanda, “A Fish Called Wanda\"\n“Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ― Isaac Asimov\n“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin\n“I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, “The Office”\n“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno\n“If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers\nFunny Quotes About Family\n“Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien\n“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall\n“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell\n“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey\n“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller\n“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors” \n“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ― Erma Bombeck\n“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield\n“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William\n“I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory”\n“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner\n“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda\n“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke\n“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron\n“You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray\n“I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West\n“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld\n“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” ― George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity”\nThe other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin\n“The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde\n“Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason\n“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns\n“Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” ― P.J. O’Rourke, “All the Trouble in the World”\n“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine\nFunny Movie Quotes\n“Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” — Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989)\n“I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” — Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman”\n“Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity.” — Al Czervik, “Caddyshack” \n“According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber”\n“I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” — Napoleon Dynamite, “Napoleon Dynamite”\n“I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley.” Dr. Rumack, “Airplane!”\n“I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.” — Hansel, “Zoolander”\n“I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.” — Megan, “Bridesmaids”\n“She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber”\n\"The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.\" — Thornton Melon, \"Back to School\"\n“You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!” — Richard Hayden, “Tommy Boy”\n“Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me.” — Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple”\n“There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.” — Nigel Powers, “Austin Powers in Goldmember”\n“I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding.” — Gus, “The Ref”\n“No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”\n“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” — French soldier, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”\n“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” — Patches O’Houlihan, “Dodgeball”\n“This is serious. I just sharted.” — Sandy Lyle, “Along Came Polly”\n“These men have taken a vow of celibacy, like their fathers and their fathers before them ...” — Topper Harley, “Hot Shots! Part Deux”\n“I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.” — Nick Rivers, “Top Secret”\nFunny Quotes About Aging\n“The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” — John Mortimer\n“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man — there’s your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David\n“You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” — Jerry Seinfeld\n“Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” — Amy Poehler\n“I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller\n“People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton\n“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope\n“My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” ― Rose Nylund, “Golden Girls”\n“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ― George Burns\n“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White\n“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton\n“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld\n“Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt\n “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers\n“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov\n“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ― Norman Wisdom\n“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx\n“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” ― Yogi Berra, “When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes”\n“I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin\n“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball\n“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” ― Luis Buñuel\n“It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n“Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes\n“When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns\n“Nobody told you what a drag it was, getting older. Or at least, people did tell you, but you ignored them, because they were old.” — Mick Herron, “The Secret Hours”\nFunny Quotes About Nature\n\"Love the trees until their leaves fall off, then encourage them to try again next year.\" Chad Sugg\n“Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.” — Robin Williams\n“Earth. You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.” — Ryan Howard, The Office. \n“There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” — Robert Orben\n“For years, I thought the sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a monster. IT’S NOT A MONSTER!” — Howie, “The Benchwarmers”\n“Mother Nature doesn’t care if you’re having fun.” — Larry Niven\n“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?”\n“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin\nSomeone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright\n“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward\n“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n“It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.” — John Mulaney\n“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey\nFunny Quotes About Life\n“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, “Bossypants”\n“Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes”\n“Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.” — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”\n“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown\n“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David\n“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling\n“People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle\n“People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia Petrillo, “The Golden Girls”\n“Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.” — Bo Bennett\n“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz\n“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard\n“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” ― Edgar Allan Poe\n“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a------s.” — William Gibson\n“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford\n“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” ― James Branch Cabell, “The Silver Stallion”\n“Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian Donovan, “Bridesmaids”\n“Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” ― Quentin Crisp\n“I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” — Rodney Dangerfield\n“I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias”\n“Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.” — Philip K. Dick\n“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel\nFunny Work Quotes\n“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” — Robert Orben\n“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams\n“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb\n“I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome \n“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis\n“By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, “The Devil Wears Prada”\n“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin\n“Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons”\n“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold\n“By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” — Robert Frost\n“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” ― Mark Twain\n“If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.” — George Burns\n“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen\n“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone\n“When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.” ― Walter Payton\n“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields\n“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde\n“When in doubt, look intelligent.” — Garrison Keillor\n“Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” — Robert Benchley\n“Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana\n“An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott, “The Office”\n“Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, “Alma Mater”\n“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gotti \n“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” — Douglas Adams\n“The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi \n“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude MacDonald\n“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” ― Bill Gates\n “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin\n“Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen\n“I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt\n“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” ― Muhammad Ali\n“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner \n“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain\n“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” — Dave Barry\n“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, “Winnie-the-Pooh”\n“No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx\nSarah Fielding is an acclaimed journalist covering a range of topics with a focus on social issues, mental health, tech, careers, sex and relationships, health, and wellness. Her writing has appeared in over 40 publications, including TODAY, Engadget, Business Insider, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Fortune, The Guardian, and Healthline.\nSarah Lemire is a lifestyle and entertainment reporter for TODAY based in New York City. She covers holidays, celebrities and everything in between.","attrs_markdown":"[Top Editor-Curated Beauty Picks for Spring — Plus, Exclusive Deals](https:\/\/marketplace.today.com\/boxes?cid=web_td_cb&utm_source_uc=web&utm_medium_uc=curatedbox&utm_campaign_uc=TODAYmarquee&utm_content_uc=boxhomepage&utm_program_uc=TODAY&utm_source=web&utm_medium=CB&utm_campaign=TODAYmarquee)\n\nIE 11 is not supported. 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Fielding](https:\/\/www.today.com\/author\/sarah-fielding-tdpn269674)\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-100x100,f_auto,q_auto:best\/newscms\/2025_27\/2092190\/sarah_w_lemire_2024.jpg) Sarah Lemire Lifestyle Reporter](https:\/\/www.today.com\/author\/sarah-lemire-tdpn253868)\n\nSkip to table of contents\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-560w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-04\/funny-quotes-zz-240416-8acf70.jpg)\n\nThese funny quotes are going to have you in stitches.jacoblund \/ Getty Images\n\n![Save hover 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About Life](https:\/\/today.com\/life\/inspiration\/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=shoes.%E2%80%9D%20%E2%80%94%20Jack%20Handey-,Funny%20Quotes%20About%20Life,-%E2%80%9CMy%20ability%20to)\n- [Funny Work Quotes](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/inspiration\/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=back.%E2%80%9D%20%E2%80%94%20Jimmy%20Kimmel-,Funny%20Work%20Quotes,-%E2%80%9CEvery%20day%20I)\n\nNothing inspires a laugh or two more than a well-timed wisecrack, funny one-liner or corny [dad joke](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/dad-jokes-rcna27325).\n\nFortunately, thanks to a variety of comedians, [movies](https:\/\/www.today.com\/popculture\/movies\/funny-movie-quotes-rcna141670), sitcoms and other outlets, there's no shortage of funny quips to choose from. You know the ones — the lines you break out at family functions or when you're hanging out with [your besties](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/relationships\/questions-to-ask-friends-rcna64115).\n\nWhether your supply of [amusing gags](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/inspiration\/funny-jokes-rcna138371) is running low or you're in the market for a few chuckles, you're in luck, because we've collected a comprehensive list of funny quotes to use as needed.\n\nFor example, you probably remember Chandler Bing’s classic line [from “Friends,”](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/quotes\/friends-tv-show-quotes-rcna172833) “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” Or Will Ferrell’s hilarious observation: “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”\n\nIf you like those funny lines, then you’re going to love this comprehensive collection of entertaining sayings that cover all the comedy basics including family, work, life, [aging](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/quotes\/funny-quotes-about-aging-rcna194269), [nature](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/quotes\/nature-quotes-rcna127275) and just about every other topic that calls for a healthy sense of humor.\n\nFrom Jim Carrey and [Conan O'Brien](https:\/\/www.today.com\/popculture\/conan-o-brien-wife-liza-powel-o-brien-rcna192603) to Joan Rivers and [Dolly Parton](https:\/\/www.today.com\/popculture\/dolly-parton-remembers-husband-carl-dean-today-show-rcna204396), these funny quotes are sure to have you in stitches for the foreseeable future.\n\n## Funny Quotes\n- “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” — Sandra Bullock\n- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin\n- “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”\n- “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City”\n- “The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.” — Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-01-60e083.jpg)\n\n- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams\n- “Don’t be so humble — you're not that great.” ― Golda Meir\n- “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” ― Judith Martin\n- “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”\n- “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde\n- “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking”\n- “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-02-f0fca4.jpg)\n\n- “Instant gratification takes too long.” ― Carrie Fisher\n- “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n- “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” ― Bo Derek\n- “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” — Jack Handy\n- “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, “Friends”\n- “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ― Mitch Hedberg\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-03-56e3b0.jpg)\n\n- “I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”\n- “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz\n- “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers\n- “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton\n- “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine\n- “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, “Finding Dory”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-04-4bd171.jpg)\n\n- “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, “Diggers”\n- “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” — Wanda, “A Fish Called Wanda\"\n- “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ― Isaac Asimov\n- “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin\n- “I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, “The Office”\n- “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno\n- “If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers\n## Funny Quotes About Family\n- “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien\n- “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall\n- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell\n- “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey\n- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller\n- “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors”\n- “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ― Erma Bombeck\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-05-bfe72b.jpg)\n\n- “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield\n- “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William\n- “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory”\n- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner\n- “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda\n- “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-06-3c3081.jpg)\n\n- “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron\n- “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray\n- “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West\n- “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld\n- “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” ― George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-07-35b3a5.jpg)\n\n- The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin\n- “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde\n- “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason\n- “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns\n- “Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” ― P.J. O’Rourke, “All the Trouble in the World”\n- “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine\n## Funny Movie Quotes\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-11\/funny-quotes-swl-241126-01-66e638.jpg)\n\n- “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” — Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989)\n- “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” — Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman”\n- “Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity.” — Al Czervik, “Caddyshack”\n- “According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber”\n- “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” — Napoleon Dynamite, “Napoleon Dynamite”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-11\/funny-quotes-swl-241126-02-1adb3b.jpg)\n\n- “I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley.” Dr. Rumack, “Airplane!”\n- “I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.” — Hansel, “Zoolander”\n- “I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.” — Megan, “Bridesmaids”\n- “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber”\n- \"The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.\" — Thornton Melon, \"Back to School\"\n- “You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!” — Richard Hayden, “Tommy Boy”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-11\/funny-quotes-swl-241126-03-23e1a4.jpg)\n\n- “Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me.” — Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple”\n- “There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.” — Nigel Powers, “Austin Powers in Goldmember”\n- “I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding.” — Gus, “The Ref”\n- “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”\n- “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” — French soldier, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”\n- “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” — Patches O’Houlihan, “Dodgeball”\n- “This is serious. I just sharted.” — Sandy Lyle, “Along Came Polly”\n- “These men have taken a vow of celibacy, like their fathers and their fathers before them ...” — Topper Harley, “Hot Shots! Part Deux”\n- “I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.” — Nick Rivers, “Top Secret”\n## Funny Quotes About Aging\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2025-09\/funny-quotes-swl-250905-01-d7067f.jpg)\n\n- “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” — John Mortimer\n- “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man — there’s your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David\n- “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” — Jerry Seinfeld\n- “Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” — Amy Poehler\n- “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller\n- “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton\n- “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope\n- “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” ― Rose Nylund, “Golden Girls”\n- “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ― George Burns\n- “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White\n- “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-08-f43b28.jpg)\n\n- “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld\n- “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt\n- “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers\n- “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov\n- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ― Norman Wisdom\n- “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-09-f08890.jpg)\n\n- “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” ― Yogi Berra, “When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes”\n- “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin\n- “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball\n- “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” ― Luis Buñuel\n- “It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n- “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes\n- “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns\n- “Nobody told you what a drag it was, getting older. Or at least, people did tell you, but you ignored them, because they were old.” — Mick Herron, “The Secret Hours”\n## Funny Quotes About Nature\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2025-09\/funny-quotes-swl-250905-c5aab7.jpg)\n\n- \"Love the trees until their leaves fall off, then encourage them to try again next year.\" Chad Sugg\n- “Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.” — Robin Williams\n- “Earth. You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.” — Ryan Howard, The Office.\n- “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” — Robert Orben\n- “For years, I thought the sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a monster. IT’S NOT A MONSTER!” — Howie, “The Benchwarmers”\n- “Mother Nature doesn’t care if you’re having fun.” — Larry Niven\n- “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?”\n- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin\n- Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-10-9c1081.jpg)\n\n- “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward\n- “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n- “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.” — John Mulaney\n- “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey\n## Funny Quotes About Life\n- “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, “Bossypants”\n- “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes”\n- “Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.” — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”\n- “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown\n- “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-11-f920f2.jpg)\n\n- “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling\n- “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle\n- “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia Petrillo, “The Golden Girls”\n- “Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.” — Bo Bennett\n- “From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-12-8f3432.jpg)\n\n- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard\n- “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” ― Edgar Allan Poe\n- “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a------s.” — William Gibson\n- “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford\n- “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” ― James Branch Cabell, “The Silver Stallion”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-13-4618ae.jpg)\n\n- “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian Donovan, “Bridesmaids”\n- “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” ― Quentin Crisp\n- “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” — Rodney Dangerfield\n- “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias”\n- “Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.” — Philip K. Dick\n- “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel\n## Funny Work Quotes\n- “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” — Robert Orben\n- “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams\n- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb\n- “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome\n- “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis\n- “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, “The Devil Wears Prada”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-14-62f157.jpg)\n\n- “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin\n- “Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons”\n- “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold\n- “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” — Robert Frost\n- “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” ― Mark Twain\n- “If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.” — George Burns\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-15-54a280.jpg)\n\n- “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen\n- “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone\n- “When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.” ― Walter Payton\n- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields\n- “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde\n- “When in doubt, look intelligent.” — Garrison Keillor\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-16-c36145.jpg)\n\n- “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” — Robert Benchley\n- “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana\n- “An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott, “The Office”\n- “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, “Alma Mater”\n- “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gotti\n- “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” — Douglas Adams\n\n![Funny quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-04\/funny-quotes-sc-041624-01-195909.jpg)\n\n- “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi\n- “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude MacDonald\n- “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” ― Bill Gates\n- “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin\n- “Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen\n- “I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt\n\n![Funny quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-04\/funny-quotes-sc-041624-02-865333.jpg)\n\n- “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” ― Muhammad Ali\n- “It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner\n- “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain\n- “If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” — Dave Barry\n- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, “Winnie-the-Pooh”\n- “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-60x60,f_auto,q_auto:best\/newscms\/2022_45\/1930660\/sarahfieldingheadshot_1.jpg)](https:\/\/www.today.com\/author\/sarah-fielding-tdpn269674)\n\n[Sarah Fielding](https:\/\/www.today.com\/author\/sarah-fielding-tdpn269674)\n\nSarah Fielding is an acclaimed journalist covering a range of topics with a focus on social issues, mental health, tech, careers, sex and relationships, health, and wellness. Her writing has appeared in over 40 publications, including TODAY, Engadget, Business Insider, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Fortune, The Guardian, and Healthline.\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-60x60,f_auto,q_auto:best\/newscms\/2025_27\/2092190\/sarah_w_lemire_2024.jpg)](https:\/\/www.today.com\/author\/sarah-lemire-tdpn253868)\n\n[Sarah Lemire](https:\/\/www.today.com\/author\/sarah-lemire-tdpn253868)\n\nSarah Lemire is a lifestyle and entertainment reporter for TODAY based in New York City. She covers holidays, celebrities and everything in between.\n\n- ![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n- [![](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,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)Add TODAY to Google](https:\/\/www.google.com\/preferences\/source?q=today.com)\n\n## More Jokes\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2026-03\/easter-jokes-swl-260311-9a552b.jpg)Yuliia Kokosha \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/easter-jokes-rcna70192)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [99 Funny Easter Jokes Guaranteed to Put a Little Hop in Your Step](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/easter-jokes-rcna70192)\n## Easter\n\/\n\nUpdated April 3, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2026-03\/april-fools-jokes-swl-030926-032140.jpg)Liudmila Chernetska \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/april-fools-jokes-rcna68345)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [50 Funny April Fools' Day Jokes to Tell Kids and Adults](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/april-fools-jokes-rcna68345)\n## April Fool's Day\n\/\n\nUpdated March 31, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2026-03\/dark-humor-jokes-swl-260316-f43926.jpg)PeopleImages \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/inspiration\/dark-humor-jokes-rcna126169)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [175 Dark Humor Jokes That Are So Bad They're Good](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/inspiration\/dark-humor-jokes-rcna126169)\n## Jokes\n\/\n\nUpdated March 16, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2026-03\/easter-puns-swl-260311-13930b.jpg)smrm1977 \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/easter-puns-rcna71577)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [135 Easter Puns That Are Eggs-traordinary](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/easter-puns-rcna71577)\n## Easter\n\/\n\nUpdated March 13, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2026-03\/st-patricks-day-puns-swl-260306-7c22d8.jpg)Svetlana-Cherruty \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/st-patricks-day-puns-rcna67191)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [125 St. Patrick's Day Puns That Totally Sham-Rock](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/st-patricks-day-puns-rcna67191)\n## St. Patrick's Day\n\/\n\nUpdated March 6, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2026-03\/st-patricks-day-jokes-swl-260303-e63874.jpg)oshcherban \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/st-patricks-day-jokes-rcna132164)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [125 St. Patrick's Day Jokes That Are Pure Gold](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/st-patricks-day-jokes-rcna132164)\n## St. Patrick's Day\n\/\n\nUpdated March 4, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2026-02\/spring-jokes-swl-260220-e80c28.jpg)mrs \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/inspiration\/spring-jokes-rcna149210)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [50 Funny Spring Jokes for Budding Comedians](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/inspiration\/spring-jokes-rcna149210)\n## Jokes\n\/\n\nUpdated Feb. 20, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2025-01\/valentines-day-jokes-zz-250128-f32803.jpg)Ana Maria Serrano \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/valentines-day-jokes-rcna63314)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [105 Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes That Are Heart to Resist](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/valentines-day-jokes-rcna63314)\n## Jokes\n\/\n\nUpdated Feb. 13, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2026-01\/valentines-day-puns-swl-260108-db9653.jpg)Olha Danylenko \/ Getty Images](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/valentines-day-puns-rcna66064)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [125 Valentine's Day Puns You're Going to Love a Latte](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/valentines-day-puns-rcna66064)\n## Jokes\n\/\n\nUpdated Jan. 8, 2026\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-02\/Groundhog-Day-jokes-for-kids-te-230201-23970d.jpg)Mathieu Van Den Berk \/ EyeEm \/ Getty Images stock](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/groundhog-day-jokes-rcna68706)\n\n![Save hover state](data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg)\n### [50 Groundhog Day Jokes That'll Have You Wood-Chuckling All Day Long](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/holidays\/groundhog-day-jokes-rcna68706)\n## Jokes\n\/\n\nUpdated Jan. 7, 2026\n\n- [About](https:\/\/www.today.com\/about)\n- [Contact](https:\/\/www.today.com\/information\/contact-us-send-today-your-questions-comments-t215381)\n- [Help](https:\/\/nbcnews.zendesk.com\/hc\/en-us\/categories\/45174508085651-TODAY)\n- [Visit](https:\/\/www.today.com\/information\/join-today-live-plaza-t250868)\n- [TODAY Apps](https:\/\/apps.today.com\/mobile\/)\n- [AD 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registered trademarks of Apple Inc.\n\n[search by queryly](https:\/\/www.queryly.com\/)\n\n[Advanced Search]()\n\n![close](https:\/\/www.queryly.com\/images\/whitecloseicon.png)","attrs_readable_markdown":"These amusing quotes from celebrities, comedians, movies and TV shows are a total riot.\n\nUpdated Sept. 29, 2025, 1:05 PM UTC\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-560w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-04\/funny-quotes-zz-240416-8acf70.jpg)\n\nThese funny quotes are going to have you in stitches.jacoblund \/ Getty Images\n\nCreate your free account or log in to save this article\n\nNothing inspires a laugh or two more than a well-timed wisecrack, funny one-liner or corny [dad joke](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/dad-jokes-rcna27325).\n\nFortunately, thanks to a variety of comedians, [movies](https:\/\/www.today.com\/popculture\/movies\/funny-movie-quotes-rcna141670), sitcoms and other outlets, there's no shortage of funny quips to choose from. You know the ones — the lines you break out at family functions or when you're hanging out with [your besties](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/relationships\/questions-to-ask-friends-rcna64115).\n\nWhether your supply of [amusing gags](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/inspiration\/funny-jokes-rcna138371) is running low or you're in the market for a few chuckles, you're in luck, because we've collected a comprehensive list of funny quotes to use as needed.\n\nFor example, you probably remember Chandler Bing’s classic line [from “Friends,”](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/quotes\/friends-tv-show-quotes-rcna172833) “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” Or Will Ferrell’s hilarious observation: “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”\n\nIf you like those funny lines, then you’re going to love this comprehensive collection of entertaining sayings that cover all the comedy basics including family, work, life, [aging](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/quotes\/funny-quotes-about-aging-rcna194269), [nature](https:\/\/www.today.com\/life\/quotes\/nature-quotes-rcna127275) and just about every other topic that calls for a healthy sense of humor.\n\nFrom Jim Carrey and [Conan O'Brien](https:\/\/www.today.com\/popculture\/conan-o-brien-wife-liza-powel-o-brien-rcna192603) to Joan Rivers and [Dolly Parton](https:\/\/www.today.com\/popculture\/dolly-parton-remembers-husband-carl-dean-today-show-rcna204396), these funny quotes are sure to have you in stitches for the foreseeable future.\n\n## Funny Quotes\n- “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” — Sandra Bullock\n- “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin\n- “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”\n- “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City”\n- “The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.” — Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-01-60e083.jpg)\n\n- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams\n- “Don’t be so humble — you're not that great.” ― Golda Meir\n- “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” ― Judith Martin\n- “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray”\n- “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde\n- “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking”\n- “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-02-f0fca4.jpg)\n\n- “Instant gratification takes too long.” ― Carrie Fisher\n- “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n- “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” ― Bo Derek\n- “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” — Jack Handy\n- “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, “Friends”\n- “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ― Mitch Hedberg\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-03-56e3b0.jpg)\n\n- “I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day”\n- “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz\n- “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers\n- “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton\n- “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine\n- “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, “Finding Dory”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-04-4bd171.jpg)\n\n- “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, “Diggers”\n- “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” — Wanda, “A Fish Called Wanda\"\n- “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ― Isaac Asimov\n- “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin\n- “I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, “The Office”\n- “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno\n- “If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers\n## Funny Quotes About Family\n- “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien\n- “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall\n- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell\n- “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey\n- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller\n- “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors”\n- “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ― Erma Bombeck\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-05-bfe72b.jpg)\n\n- “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield\n- “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William\n- “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory”\n- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner\n- “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda\n- “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-06-3c3081.jpg)\n\n- “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron\n- “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray\n- “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West\n- “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld\n- “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” ― George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-07-35b3a5.jpg)\n\n- The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin\n- “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde\n- “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason\n- “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns\n- “Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” ― P.J. O’Rourke, “All the Trouble in the World”\n- “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine\n## Funny Movie Quotes\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-11\/funny-quotes-swl-241126-01-66e638.jpg)\n\n- “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” — Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989)\n- “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” — Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman”\n- “Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity.” — Al Czervik, “Caddyshack”\n- “According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber”\n- “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” — Napoleon Dynamite, “Napoleon Dynamite”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-11\/funny-quotes-swl-241126-02-1adb3b.jpg)\n\n- “I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley.” Dr. Rumack, “Airplane!”\n- “I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.” — Hansel, “Zoolander”\n- “I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.” — Megan, “Bridesmaids”\n- “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber”\n- \"The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family.\" — Thornton Melon, \"Back to School\"\n- “You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!” — Richard Hayden, “Tommy Boy”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-11\/funny-quotes-swl-241126-03-23e1a4.jpg)\n\n- “Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me.” — Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple”\n- “There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.” — Nigel Powers, “Austin Powers in Goldmember”\n- “I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding.” — Gus, “The Ref”\n- “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby”\n- “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” — French soldier, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”\n- “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” — Patches O’Houlihan, “Dodgeball”\n- “This is serious. I just sharted.” — Sandy Lyle, “Along Came Polly”\n- “These men have taken a vow of celibacy, like their fathers and their fathers before them ...” — Topper Harley, “Hot Shots! Part Deux”\n- “I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.” — Nick Rivers, “Top Secret”\n## Funny Quotes About Aging\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2025-09\/funny-quotes-swl-250905-01-d7067f.jpg)\n\n- “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” — John Mortimer\n- “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man — there’s your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David\n- “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” — Jerry Seinfeld\n- “Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” — Amy Poehler\n- “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller\n- “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton\n- “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope\n- “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” ― Rose Nylund, “Golden Girls”\n- “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ― George Burns\n- “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White\n- “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-08-f43b28.jpg)\n\n- “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld\n- “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt\n- “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers\n- “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov\n- “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ― Norman Wisdom\n- “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-09-f08890.jpg)\n\n- “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” ― Yogi Berra, “When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes”\n- “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin\n- “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball\n- “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” ― Luis Buñuel\n- “It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n- “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes\n- “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns\n- “Nobody told you what a drag it was, getting older. Or at least, people did tell you, but you ignored them, because they were old.” — Mick Herron, “The Secret Hours”\n## Funny Quotes About Nature\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2025-09\/funny-quotes-swl-250905-c5aab7.jpg)\n\n- \"Love the trees until their leaves fall off, then encourage them to try again next year.\" Chad Sugg\n- “Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.” — Robin Williams\n- “Earth. You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.” — Ryan Howard, The Office.\n- “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” — Robert Orben\n- “For years, I thought the sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a monster. IT’S NOT A MONSTER!” — Howie, “The Benchwarmers”\n- “Mother Nature doesn’t care if you’re having fun.” — Larry Niven\n- “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?”\n- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin\n- Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-10-9c1081.jpg)\n\n- “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward\n- “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres\n- “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.” — John Mulaney\n- “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey\n## Funny Quotes About Life\n- “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, “Bossypants”\n- “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes”\n- “Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.” — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”\n- “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown\n- “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-11-f920f2.jpg)\n\n- “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling\n- “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle\n- “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia Petrillo, “The Golden Girls”\n- “Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.” — Bo Bennett\n- “From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-12-8f3432.jpg)\n\n- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard\n- “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” ― Edgar Allan Poe\n- “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a------s.” — William Gibson\n- “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford\n- “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” ― James Branch Cabell, “The Silver Stallion”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-13-4618ae.jpg)\n\n- “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian Donovan, “Bridesmaids”\n- “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” ― Quentin Crisp\n- “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” — Rodney Dangerfield\n- “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias”\n- “Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.” — Philip K. Dick\n- “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel\n## Funny Work Quotes\n- “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” — Robert Orben\n- “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams\n- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb\n- “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome\n- “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis\n- “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, “The Devil Wears Prada”\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-14-62f157.jpg)\n\n- “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin\n- “Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons”\n- “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold\n- “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” — Robert Frost\n- “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” ― Mark Twain\n- “If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.” — George Burns\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-15-54a280.jpg)\n\n- “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen\n- “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone\n- “When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.” ― Walter Payton\n- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields\n- “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde\n- “When in doubt, look intelligent.” — Garrison Keillor\n\n![Funny Quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2023-11\/funny-quotes-swl-231120-16-c36145.jpg)\n\n- “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” — Robert Benchley\n- “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana\n- “An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott, “The Office”\n- “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, “Alma Mater”\n- “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gotti\n- “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” — Douglas Adams\n\n![Funny quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-04\/funny-quotes-sc-041624-01-195909.jpg)\n\n- “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi\n- “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude MacDonald\n- “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” ― Bill Gates\n- “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin\n- “Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen\n- “I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt\n\n![Funny quotes](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best\/rockcms\/2024-04\/funny-quotes-sc-041624-02-865333.jpg)\n\n- “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” ― Muhammad Ali\n- “It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner\n- “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain\n- “If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” — Dave Barry\n- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, “Winnie-the-Pooh”\n- “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-60x60,f_auto,q_auto:best\/newscms\/2022_45\/1930660\/sarahfieldingheadshot_1.jpg)](https:\/\/www.today.com\/author\/sarah-fielding-tdpn269674)\n\nSarah Fielding is an acclaimed journalist covering a range of topics with a focus on social issues, mental health, tech, careers, sex and relationships, health, and wellness. Her writing has appeared in over 40 publications, including TODAY, Engadget, Business Insider, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Fortune, The Guardian, and Healthline.\n\n[![](https:\/\/media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com\/image\/upload\/t_focal-60x60,f_auto,q_auto:best\/newscms\/2025_27\/2092190\/sarah_w_lemire_2024.jpg)](https:\/\/www.today.com\/author\/sarah-lemire-tdpn253868)\n\nSarah Lemire is a lifestyle and entertainment reporter for TODAY based in New York City. She covers holidays, celebrities and everything in between.","meta_canonical":null,"ml_categories_json":"{\"\/Arts_and_Entertainment\":934,\"\/Arts_and_Entertainment\/Humor\":924,\"\/Arts_and_Entertainment\/Humor\/Live_Comedy\":506}","ml_types_json":"{\"\/Article\":828,\"\/Article\/Listicle\":756}","ml_intent_types_json":"{\"Informational\":999}","meta_language":"en","attrs_author":null,"attrs_publish_time":1759151129,"attrs_original_publish_time":1701402195,"attrs_is_republished":1,"attrs_nr_words":"4642","attrs_boilerpipe_nr_words":"4049","body_ext_links_number":36,"body_int_links_number":99,"meta_nofollow":0,"meta_noarchive":0,"props_was_rendered":1,"src_redirect":"","download_time_msec":1967,"download_ttfb_msec":1915,"download_size":106957}

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175 Funny Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud

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These are the best funny quotes to make you laugh about life, aging, family, work and nature, with quips from comedy greats like Bob Hope and Robin Williams.

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These amusing quotes from celebrities, comedians, movies and TV shows are a total riot. Updated Sept. 29, 2025, 1:05 PM UTC These funny quotes are going to have you in stitches. jacoblund / Getty Images Create your free account or log in to save this article Nothing inspires a laugh or two more than a well-timed wisecrack, funny one-liner or corny dad joke . Fortunately, thanks to a variety of comedians, movies , sitcoms and other outlets, there's no shortage of funny quips to choose from. You know the ones — the lines you break out at family functions or when you're hanging out with your besties . Whether your supply of amusing gags is running low or you're in the market for a few chuckles, you're in luck, because we've collected a comprehensive list of funny quotes to use as needed. For example, you probably remember Chandler Bing’s classic line from “Friends,” “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” Or Will Ferrell’s hilarious observation: “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” If you like those funny lines, then you’re going to love this comprehensive collection of entertaining sayings that cover all the comedy basics including family, work, life, aging , nature and just about every other topic that calls for a healthy sense of humor. From Jim Carrey and Conan O'Brien to Joan Rivers and Dolly Parton , these funny quotes are sure to have you in stitches for the foreseeable future. Funny Quotes “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” — Sandra Bullock “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City” “The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.” — Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams “Don’t be so humble — you're not that great.” ― Golda Meir “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” ― Judith Martin “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray” “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking” “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz “Instant gratification takes too long.” ― Carrie Fisher “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” ― Bo Derek “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” — Jack Handy “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, “Friends” “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ― Mitch Hedberg “I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day” “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, “Finding Dory” “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, “Diggers” “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” — Wanda, “A Fish Called Wanda" “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ― Isaac Asimov “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin “I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, “The Office” “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno “If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers Funny Quotes About Family “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors” “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ― Erma Bombeck “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory” “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” ― George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity” The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns “Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” ― P.J. O’Rourke, “All the Trouble in the World” “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine Funny Movie Quotes “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” — Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989) “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” — Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman” “Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity.” — Al Czervik, “Caddyshack” “According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber” “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” — Napoleon Dynamite, “Napoleon Dynamite” “I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley.” Dr. Rumack, “Airplane!” “I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.” — Hansel, “Zoolander” “I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.” — Megan, “Bridesmaids” “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber” "The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family." — Thornton Melon, "Back to School" “You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!” — Richard Hayden, “Tommy Boy” “Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me.” — Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple” “There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.” — Nigel Powers, “Austin Powers in Goldmember” “I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding.” — Gus, “The Ref” “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” — French soldier, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” — Patches O’Houlihan, “Dodgeball” “This is serious. I just sharted.” — Sandy Lyle, “Along Came Polly” “These men have taken a vow of celibacy, like their fathers and their fathers before them ...” — Topper Harley, “Hot Shots! Part Deux” “I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.” — Nick Rivers, “Top Secret” Funny Quotes About Aging “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” — John Mortimer “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man — there’s your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” — Jerry Seinfeld “Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” — Amy Poehler “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” ― Rose Nylund, “Golden Girls” “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ― George Burns “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ― Norman Wisdom “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” ― Yogi Berra, “When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes” “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” ― Luis Buñuel “It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.” — Ellen DeGeneres “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns “Nobody told you what a drag it was, getting older. Or at least, people did tell you, but you ignored them, because they were old.” — Mick Herron, “The Secret Hours” Funny Quotes About Nature "Love the trees until their leaves fall off, then encourage them to try again next year." Chad Sugg “Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.” — Robin Williams “Earth. You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.” — Ryan Howard, The Office. “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” — Robert Orben “For years, I thought the sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a monster. IT’S NOT A MONSTER!” — Howie, “The Benchwarmers” “Mother Nature doesn’t care if you’re having fun.” — Larry Niven “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.” — John Mulaney “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey Funny Quotes About Life “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, “Bossypants” “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes” “Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.” — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia Petrillo, “The Golden Girls” “Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.” — Bo Bennett “From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” ― Edgar Allan Poe “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a------s.” — William Gibson “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” ― James Branch Cabell, “The Silver Stallion” “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian Donovan, “Bridesmaids” “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” ― Quentin Crisp “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” — Rodney Dangerfield “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias” “Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.” — Philip K. Dick “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel Funny Work Quotes “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” — Robert Orben “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, “The Devil Wears Prada” “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin “Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons” “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” — Robert Frost “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” ― Mark Twain “If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.” — George Burns “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone “When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.” ― Walter Payton “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde “When in doubt, look intelligent.” — Garrison Keillor “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” — Robert Benchley “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana “An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott, “The Office” “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, “Alma Mater” “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gotti “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” — Douglas Adams “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude MacDonald “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” ― Bill Gates “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin “Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen “I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” ― Muhammad Ali “It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain “If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” — Dave Barry “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, “Winnie-the-Pooh” “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx Sarah Fielding is an acclaimed journalist covering a range of topics with a focus on social issues, mental health, tech, careers, sex and relationships, health, and wellness. Her writing has appeared in over 40 publications, including TODAY, Engadget, Business Insider, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Fortune, The Guardian, and Healthline. Sarah Lemire is a lifestyle and entertainment reporter for TODAY based in New York City. She covers holidays, celebrities and everything in between.

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Updated Sept. 29, 2025, 1:05 PM UTC [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-100x100,f_auto,q_auto:best/newscms/2022_45/1930660/sarahfieldingheadshot_1.jpg) Sarah Fielding](https://www.today.com/author/sarah-fielding-tdpn269674) [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-100x100,f_auto,q_auto:best/newscms/2025_27/2092190/sarah_w_lemire_2024.jpg) Sarah Lemire Lifestyle Reporter](https://www.today.com/author/sarah-lemire-tdpn253868) Skip to table of contents ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-560w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-04/funny-quotes-zz-240416-8acf70.jpg) These funny quotes are going to have you in stitches.jacoblund / Getty Images ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) Create your free account or log in to save this article [![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,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)Add TODAY to Google](https://www.google.com/preferences/source?q=today.com) ## Jump To: - [Funny Quotes](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=the%20foreseeable%20future.-,Funny%20Quotes,-%E2%80%9CWhoever%20established%20the) - [Funny Quotes About Family](https://today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=21-year-olds-,Funny%20Quotes%20About%20Family,-%E2%80%9CJust%20taught%20my) - [Funny Movie Quotes](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=it.%E2%80%9D%20%E2%80%94%20Shirley%20MacLaine-,Funny%20Movie%20Quotes,-%E2%80%9CSurprised%2C%20Eddie%3F%20If) - [Funny Quotes On Aging](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=Funny%20Quotes%20on%20Aging) - [Funny Quotes About Nature](https://today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=The%20Secret%20Hours%E2%80%9D-,Funny%20Quotes%20About%20Nature,-%E2%80%9CThere%20is%20no) - [Funny Quotes About Life](https://today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=shoes.%E2%80%9D%20%E2%80%94%20Jack%20Handey-,Funny%20Quotes%20About%20Life,-%E2%80%9CMy%20ability%20to) - [Funny Work Quotes](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/funny-quotes-rcna125351#:~:text=back.%E2%80%9D%20%E2%80%94%20Jimmy%20Kimmel-,Funny%20Work%20Quotes,-%E2%80%9CEvery%20day%20I) Nothing inspires a laugh or two more than a well-timed wisecrack, funny one-liner or corny [dad joke](https://www.today.com/life/dad-jokes-rcna27325). Fortunately, thanks to a variety of comedians, [movies](https://www.today.com/popculture/movies/funny-movie-quotes-rcna141670), sitcoms and other outlets, there's no shortage of funny quips to choose from. You know the ones — the lines you break out at family functions or when you're hanging out with [your besties](https://www.today.com/life/relationships/questions-to-ask-friends-rcna64115). Whether your supply of [amusing gags](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/funny-jokes-rcna138371) is running low or you're in the market for a few chuckles, you're in luck, because we've collected a comprehensive list of funny quotes to use as needed. For example, you probably remember Chandler Bing’s classic line [from “Friends,”](https://www.today.com/life/quotes/friends-tv-show-quotes-rcna172833) “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” Or Will Ferrell’s hilarious observation: “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” If you like those funny lines, then you’re going to love this comprehensive collection of entertaining sayings that cover all the comedy basics including family, work, life, [aging](https://www.today.com/life/quotes/funny-quotes-about-aging-rcna194269), [nature](https://www.today.com/life/quotes/nature-quotes-rcna127275) and just about every other topic that calls for a healthy sense of humor. From Jim Carrey and [Conan O'Brien](https://www.today.com/popculture/conan-o-brien-wife-liza-powel-o-brien-rcna192603) to Joan Rivers and [Dolly Parton](https://www.today.com/popculture/dolly-parton-remembers-husband-carl-dean-today-show-rcna204396), these funny quotes are sure to have you in stitches for the foreseeable future. ## Funny Quotes - “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” — Sandra Bullock - “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin - “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” - “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City” - “The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.” — Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-01-60e083.jpg) - “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams - “Don’t be so humble — you're not that great.” ― Golda Meir - “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” ― Judith Martin - “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray” - “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde - “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking” - “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-02-f0fca4.jpg) - “Instant gratification takes too long.” ― Carrie Fisher - “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres - “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” ― Bo Derek - “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” — Jack Handy - “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, “Friends” - “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ― Mitch Hedberg ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-03-56e3b0.jpg) - “I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day” - “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz - “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers - “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton - “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine - “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, “Finding Dory” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-04-4bd171.jpg) - “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, “Diggers” - “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” — Wanda, “A Fish Called Wanda" - “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ― Isaac Asimov - “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin - “I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, “The Office” - “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno - “If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers ## Funny Quotes About Family - “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien - “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall - “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell - “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey - “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller - “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors” - “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ― Erma Bombeck ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-05-bfe72b.jpg) - “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield - “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William - “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory” - “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner - “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda - “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-06-3c3081.jpg) - “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron - “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray - “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West - “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld - “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” ― George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-07-35b3a5.jpg) - The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin - “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde - “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason - “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns - “Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” ― P.J. O’Rourke, “All the Trouble in the World” - “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine ## Funny Movie Quotes ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-11/funny-quotes-swl-241126-01-66e638.jpg) - “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” — Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989) - “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” — Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman” - “Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity.” — Al Czervik, “Caddyshack” - “According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber” - “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” — Napoleon Dynamite, “Napoleon Dynamite” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-11/funny-quotes-swl-241126-02-1adb3b.jpg) - “I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley.” Dr. Rumack, “Airplane!” - “I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.” — Hansel, “Zoolander” - “I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.” — Megan, “Bridesmaids” - “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber” - "The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family." — Thornton Melon, "Back to School" - “You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!” — Richard Hayden, “Tommy Boy” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-11/funny-quotes-swl-241126-03-23e1a4.jpg) - “Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me.” — Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple” - “There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.” — Nigel Powers, “Austin Powers in Goldmember” - “I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding.” — Gus, “The Ref” - “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” - “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” — French soldier, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” - “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” — Patches O’Houlihan, “Dodgeball” - “This is serious. I just sharted.” — Sandy Lyle, “Along Came Polly” - “These men have taken a vow of celibacy, like their fathers and their fathers before them ...” — Topper Harley, “Hot Shots! Part Deux” - “I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.” — Nick Rivers, “Top Secret” ## Funny Quotes About Aging ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2025-09/funny-quotes-swl-250905-01-d7067f.jpg) - “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” — John Mortimer - “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man — there’s your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David - “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” — Jerry Seinfeld - “Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” — Amy Poehler - “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller - “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton - “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope - “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” ― Rose Nylund, “Golden Girls” - “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ― George Burns - “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White - “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-08-f43b28.jpg) - “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld - “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt - “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers - “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov - “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ― Norman Wisdom - “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-09-f08890.jpg) - “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” ― Yogi Berra, “When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes” - “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin - “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball - “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” ― Luis Buñuel - “It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.” — Ellen DeGeneres - “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes - “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns - “Nobody told you what a drag it was, getting older. Or at least, people did tell you, but you ignored them, because they were old.” — Mick Herron, “The Secret Hours” ## Funny Quotes About Nature ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2025-09/funny-quotes-swl-250905-c5aab7.jpg) - "Love the trees until their leaves fall off, then encourage them to try again next year." Chad Sugg - “Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.” — Robin Williams - “Earth. You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.” — Ryan Howard, The Office. - “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” — Robert Orben - “For years, I thought the sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a monster. IT’S NOT A MONSTER!” — Howie, “The Benchwarmers” - “Mother Nature doesn’t care if you’re having fun.” — Larry Niven - “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” - “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin - Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-10-9c1081.jpg) - “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward - “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres - “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.” — John Mulaney - “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey ## Funny Quotes About Life - “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, “Bossypants” - “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes” - “Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.” — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” - “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown - “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-11-f920f2.jpg) - “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling - “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle - “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia Petrillo, “The Golden Girls” - “Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.” — Bo Bennett - “From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-12-8f3432.jpg) - “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard - “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” ― Edgar Allan Poe - “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a------s.” — William Gibson - “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford - “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” ― James Branch Cabell, “The Silver Stallion” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-13-4618ae.jpg) - “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian Donovan, “Bridesmaids” - “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” ― Quentin Crisp - “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” — Rodney Dangerfield - “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias” - “Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.” — Philip K. Dick - “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel ## Funny Work Quotes - “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” — Robert Orben - “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams - “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb - “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome - “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis - “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, “The Devil Wears Prada” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-14-62f157.jpg) - “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin - “Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons” - “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold - “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” — Robert Frost - “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” ― Mark Twain - “If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.” — George Burns ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-15-54a280.jpg) - “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen - “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone - “When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.” ― Walter Payton - “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields - “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde - “When in doubt, look intelligent.” — Garrison Keillor ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-16-c36145.jpg) - “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” — Robert Benchley - “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana - “An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott, “The Office” - “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, “Alma Mater” - “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gotti - “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” — Douglas Adams ![Funny quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-04/funny-quotes-sc-041624-01-195909.jpg) - “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi - “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude MacDonald - “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” ― Bill Gates - “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin - “Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen - “I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt ![Funny quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-04/funny-quotes-sc-041624-02-865333.jpg) - “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” ― Muhammad Ali - “It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner - “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain - “If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” — Dave Barry - “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, “Winnie-the-Pooh” - “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-60x60,f_auto,q_auto:best/newscms/2022_45/1930660/sarahfieldingheadshot_1.jpg)](https://www.today.com/author/sarah-fielding-tdpn269674) [Sarah Fielding](https://www.today.com/author/sarah-fielding-tdpn269674) Sarah Fielding is an acclaimed journalist covering a range of topics with a focus on social issues, mental health, tech, careers, sex and relationships, health, and wellness. Her writing has appeared in over 40 publications, including TODAY, Engadget, Business Insider, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Fortune, The Guardian, and Healthline. [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-60x60,f_auto,q_auto:best/newscms/2025_27/2092190/sarah_w_lemire_2024.jpg)](https://www.today.com/author/sarah-lemire-tdpn253868) [Sarah Lemire](https://www.today.com/author/sarah-lemire-tdpn253868) Sarah Lemire is a lifestyle and entertainment reporter for TODAY based in New York City. She covers holidays, celebrities and everything in between. - ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) - [![](data:image/svg+xml;base64,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)Add TODAY to Google](https://www.google.com/preferences/source?q=today.com) ## More Jokes [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2026-03/easter-jokes-swl-260311-9a552b.jpg)Yuliia Kokosha / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/easter-jokes-rcna70192) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [99 Funny Easter Jokes Guaranteed to Put a Little Hop in Your Step](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/easter-jokes-rcna70192) ## Easter / Updated April 3, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2026-03/april-fools-jokes-swl-030926-032140.jpg)Liudmila Chernetska / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/april-fools-jokes-rcna68345) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [50 Funny April Fools' Day Jokes to Tell Kids and Adults](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/april-fools-jokes-rcna68345) ## April Fool's Day / Updated March 31, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2026-03/dark-humor-jokes-swl-260316-f43926.jpg)PeopleImages / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/dark-humor-jokes-rcna126169) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [175 Dark Humor Jokes That Are So Bad They're Good](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/dark-humor-jokes-rcna126169) ## Jokes / Updated March 16, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2026-03/easter-puns-swl-260311-13930b.jpg)smrm1977 / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/easter-puns-rcna71577) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [135 Easter Puns That Are Eggs-traordinary](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/easter-puns-rcna71577) ## Easter / Updated March 13, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2026-03/st-patricks-day-puns-swl-260306-7c22d8.jpg)Svetlana-Cherruty / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/st-patricks-day-puns-rcna67191) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [125 St. Patrick's Day Puns That Totally Sham-Rock](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/st-patricks-day-puns-rcna67191) ## St. Patrick's Day / Updated March 6, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2026-03/st-patricks-day-jokes-swl-260303-e63874.jpg)oshcherban / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/st-patricks-day-jokes-rcna132164) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [125 St. Patrick's Day Jokes That Are Pure Gold](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/st-patricks-day-jokes-rcna132164) ## St. Patrick's Day / Updated March 4, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2026-02/spring-jokes-swl-260220-e80c28.jpg)mrs / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/spring-jokes-rcna149210) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [50 Funny Spring Jokes for Budding Comedians](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/spring-jokes-rcna149210) ## Jokes / Updated Feb. 20, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2025-01/valentines-day-jokes-zz-250128-f32803.jpg)Ana Maria Serrano / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/valentines-day-jokes-rcna63314) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [105 Funny Valentine’s Day Jokes That Are Heart to Resist](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/valentines-day-jokes-rcna63314) ## Jokes / Updated Feb. 13, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2026-01/valentines-day-puns-swl-260108-db9653.jpg)Olha Danylenko / Getty Images](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/valentines-day-puns-rcna66064) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [125 Valentine's Day Puns You're Going to Love a Latte](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/valentines-day-puns-rcna66064) ## Jokes / Updated Jan. 8, 2026 [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-260x130,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-02/Groundhog-Day-jokes-for-kids-te-230201-23970d.jpg)Mathieu Van Den Berk / EyeEm / Getty Images stock](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/groundhog-day-jokes-rcna68706) ![Save hover state](data:image/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMjAiIGhlaWdodD0iMjAiIHZpZXdCb3g9IjAgMCAyMCAyMCIgZmlsbD0ibm9uZSIgeG1sbnM9Imh0dHA6Ly93d3cudzMub3JnLzIwMDAvc3ZnIj4KPHBhdGggZD0iTTkuMjgyNzEgMTEuMTkxOEwzLjAwMDAzIDE3LjQ5ODVWMUgxN1YxNy41NjU4TDEwLjcwMjQgMTEuMTk0NUw5Ljk5MzkzIDEwLjQ3NzhMOS4yODI3MSAxMS4xOTE4WiIgZmlsbD0iIzdDNEU5RiIgZmlsbC1vcGFjaXR5PSIwLjMiIHN0cm9rZT0iIzdDNEU5RiIgc3Ryb2tlLXdpZHRoPSIyIi8+Cjwvc3ZnPgogICAg) ### [50 Groundhog Day Jokes That'll Have You Wood-Chuckling All Day Long](https://www.today.com/life/holidays/groundhog-day-jokes-rcna68706) ## 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These amusing quotes from celebrities, comedians, movies and TV shows are a total riot. Updated Sept. 29, 2025, 1:05 PM UTC ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-560w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-04/funny-quotes-zz-240416-8acf70.jpg) These funny quotes are going to have you in stitches.jacoblund / Getty Images Create your free account or log in to save this article Nothing inspires a laugh or two more than a well-timed wisecrack, funny one-liner or corny [dad joke](https://www.today.com/life/dad-jokes-rcna27325). Fortunately, thanks to a variety of comedians, [movies](https://www.today.com/popculture/movies/funny-movie-quotes-rcna141670), sitcoms and other outlets, there's no shortage of funny quips to choose from. You know the ones — the lines you break out at family functions or when you're hanging out with [your besties](https://www.today.com/life/relationships/questions-to-ask-friends-rcna64115). Whether your supply of [amusing gags](https://www.today.com/life/inspiration/funny-jokes-rcna138371) is running low or you're in the market for a few chuckles, you're in luck, because we've collected a comprehensive list of funny quotes to use as needed. For example, you probably remember Chandler Bing’s classic line [from “Friends,”](https://www.today.com/life/quotes/friends-tv-show-quotes-rcna172833) “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” Or Will Ferrell’s hilarious observation: “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” If you like those funny lines, then you’re going to love this comprehensive collection of entertaining sayings that cover all the comedy basics including family, work, life, [aging](https://www.today.com/life/quotes/funny-quotes-about-aging-rcna194269), [nature](https://www.today.com/life/quotes/nature-quotes-rcna127275) and just about every other topic that calls for a healthy sense of humor. From Jim Carrey and [Conan O'Brien](https://www.today.com/popculture/conan-o-brien-wife-liza-powel-o-brien-rcna192603) to Joan Rivers and [Dolly Parton](https://www.today.com/popculture/dolly-parton-remembers-husband-carl-dean-today-show-rcna204396), these funny quotes are sure to have you in stitches for the foreseeable future. ## Funny Quotes - “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” — Sandra Bullock - “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” — George Carlin - “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” — Ace Ventura, “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” - “I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.” —Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City” - “The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.” — Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-01-60e083.jpg) - “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams - “Don’t be so humble — you're not that great.” ― Golda Meir - “If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” ― Judith Martin - “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” ― Oscar Wilde, “The Picture of Dorian Gray” - “Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.” ― Oscar Wilde - “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking” - “In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” — Fran Lebowitz ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-02-f0fca4.jpg) - “Instant gratification takes too long.” ― Carrie Fisher - “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” — Ellen DeGeneres - “Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to go shopping.” ― Bo Derek - “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.” — Jack Handy - “I’m not great at the advice — can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, “Friends” - “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ― Mitch Hedberg ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-03-56e3b0.jpg) - “I’d love to stand here and talk with you ... but I’m not going to.” — Phil Connors, “Groundhog Day” - “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz - “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” — Joan Rivers - “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton - “It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he’s madly in love, drunk, or running for office.” — Shirley MacLaine - “I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.” — Dory, “Finding Dory” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-04-4bd171.jpg) - “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, “Diggers” - “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs.” — Wanda, “A Fish Called Wanda" - “Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ― Isaac Asimov - “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin - “I’m not superstitious … but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott, “The Office” - “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” — Jay Leno - “If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers ## Funny Quotes About Family - “Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien - “I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” — Jack Whitehall - “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell - “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” — Damien Fahey - “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” — Phyllis Diller - “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Halley Reed, “Crimes and Misdemeanors” - “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” ― Erma Bombeck ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-05-bfe72b.jpg) - “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” ― Rodney Dangerfield - “As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.” — Prince William - “I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.” —Sheldon Cooper, “The Big Bang Theory” - “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner - “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin-Manuel Miranda - “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” ― P. J. O’Rourke ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-06-3c3081.jpg) - “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron - “You can kid the world, but not your sister.” ― Charlotte Gray - “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” ― Mae West - “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” — Jerry Seinfeld - “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” ― George Bernard Shaw, “Immaturity” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-07-35b3a5.jpg) - The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin - “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde - “Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason - “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” — George Burns - “Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.” ― P.J. O’Rourke, “All the Trouble in the World” - “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine ## Funny Movie Quotes ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-11/funny-quotes-swl-241126-01-66e638.jpg) - “Surprised, Eddie? If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am right now.” — Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989) - “I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.” — Ron Burgundy, “Anchorman” - “Oh, this is your wife? A lovely lady. Hey, baby, you’re alright. You must’ve been something before electricity.” — Al Czervik, “Caddyshack” - “According to the map, we’ve only gone four inches.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber” - “I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to.” — Napoleon Dynamite, “Napoleon Dynamite” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-11/funny-quotes-swl-241126-02-1adb3b.jpg) - “I am serious — and don’t call me Shirley.” Dr. Rumack, “Airplane!” - “I’m sorry that good-looking people like us made you throw up and feel bad about yourself.” — Hansel, “Zoolander” - “I want to apologize. I’m not even confident on which end that came out of.” — Megan, “Bridesmaids” - “She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.” — Harry Dunne, “Dumb and Dumber” - "The football team at my high school, they were tough. After they sacked the quarterback, they went after his family." — Thornton Melon, "Back to School" - “You’re not your dad. He could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves!” — Richard Hayden, “Tommy Boy” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-11/funny-quotes-swl-241126-03-23e1a4.jpg) - “Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come home, irritate me.” — Oscar Madison, “The Odd Couple” - “There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.” — Nigel Powers, “Austin Powers in Goldmember” - “I thought moms were supposed to be nice and sweet and patient. I know loan sharks that are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain’t dead, lady, he’s hiding.” — Gus, “The Ref” - “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, I mean, it’s not crazy to think I can’t live to 245, maybe 300.” — Ricky Bobby, “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” - “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” — French soldier, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” - “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” — Patches O’Houlihan, “Dodgeball” - “This is serious. I just sharted.” — Sandy Lyle, “Along Came Polly” - “These men have taken a vow of celibacy, like their fathers and their fathers before them ...” — Topper Harley, “Hot Shots! Part Deux” - “I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restaurant who turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to her childhood lover who she last saw on a deserted island, who then turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French underground.” — Nick Rivers, “Top Secret” ## Funny Quotes About Aging ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2025-09/funny-quotes-swl-250905-01-d7067f.jpg) - “The aging process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over, and runs off laughing.” — John Mortimer - “Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man — there’s your diamond in the rough.” — Larry David - “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” — Jerry Seinfeld - “Fighting aging is like the War on Drugs. It’s expensive, does more harm than good, and has been proven to never end.” — Amy Poehler - “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.” — Phyllis Diller - “People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.” — Dolly Parton - “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope - “My mother always used to say, ‘The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.’” ― Rose Nylund, “Golden Girls” - “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ― George Burns - “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I need a Ouija board.” —Betty White - “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” — Graham Norton ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-08-f43b28.jpg) - “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld - “Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you’ve got to start young.” — Theodore Roosevelt - “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” — Joan Rivers - “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” ― Isaac Asimov - “As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” ― Norman Wisdom - “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” — Redd Foxx ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-09-f08890.jpg) - “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” ― Yogi Berra, “When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes” - “I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.” — George Carlin - “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” — Lucille Ball - “Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.” ― Luis Buñuel - “It must be around forty, when you’re “over the hill.” I don’t even know what that means and why it’s a bad thing. When I go hiking and I get over the hill, that means I’m past the hard part and there’s a snack in my future. That’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned.” — Ellen DeGeneres - “Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes - “When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.” — George Burns - “Nobody told you what a drag it was, getting older. Or at least, people did tell you, but you ignored them, because they were old.” — Mick Herron, “The Secret Hours” ## Funny Quotes About Nature ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2025-09/funny-quotes-swl-250905-c5aab7.jpg) - "Love the trees until their leaves fall off, then encourage them to try again next year." Chad Sugg - “Death is nature’s way of saying, “Your table is ready.” — Robin Williams - “Earth. You don’t have to be crazy to live here, but it helps.” — Ryan Howard, The Office. - “There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” — Robert Orben - “For years, I thought the sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a monster. IT’S NOT A MONSTER!” — Howie, “The Benchwarmers” - “Mother Nature doesn’t care if you’re having fun.” — Larry Niven - “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” — Mindy Kaling, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” - “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin - Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” — Steven Wright ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-10-9c1081.jpg) - “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ― Noel Coward - “Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres - “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.” — John Mulaney - “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey ## Funny Quotes About Life - “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ― Tina Fey, “Bossypants” - “Reality continues to ruin my life.” ― Bill Watterson, “The Complete Calvin and Hobbes” - “Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.” — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” - “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” — Charlie Brown - “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands.” — Larry David ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-11-f920f2.jpg) - “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” — Garry Shandling - “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” —Mike Bechtle - “People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever’s in the glass.” — Sophia Petrillo, “The Golden Girls” - “Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family.” — Bo Bennett - “From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” — Jarod Kintz ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-12-8f3432.jpg) - “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard - “I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” ― Edgar Allan Poe - “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with a------s.” — William Gibson - “My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford - “The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” ― James Branch Cabell, “The Silver Stallion” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-13-4618ae.jpg) - “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?” —Lillian Donovan, “Bridesmaids” - “Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It’s cheaper.” ― Quentin Crisp - “I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.” — Rodney Dangerfield - “I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux, “Steel Magnolias” - “Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.” — Philip K. Dick - “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel ## Funny Work Quotes - “Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” — Robert Orben - “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams - “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ― Charles Lamb - “I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” ― Jerome K. Jerome - “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?’” — Don Marquis - “By all means, move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me.” — Miranda Priestly, “The Devil Wears Prada” ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-14-62f157.jpg) - “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin - “Trying is the first step toward failure.” — Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons” - “Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold - “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” — Robert Frost - “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” ― Mark Twain - “If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.” — George Burns ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-15-54a280.jpg) - “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen - “Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” — Paula Poundstone - “When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.” ― Walter Payton - “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” ― W.C. Fields - “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde - “When in doubt, look intelligent.” — Garrison Keillor ![Funny Quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2023-11/funny-quotes-swl-231120-16-c36145.jpg) - “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.” — Robert Benchley - “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” ― Mokokoma Mokhonoana - “An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott, “The Office” - “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.” ― Rita Mae Brown, “Alma Mater” - “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” ― John Gotti - “A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” — Douglas Adams ![Funny quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-04/funny-quotes-sc-041624-01-195909.jpg) - “The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.” — Vince Lombardi - “If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude MacDonald - “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” ― Bill Gates - “When I was growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin - “Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen - “I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt ![Funny quotes](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_fit-760w,f_auto,q_auto:best/rockcms/2024-04/funny-quotes-sc-041624-02-865333.jpg) - “It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” ― Muhammad Ali - “It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner - “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” ― Mark Twain - “If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’” — Dave Barry - “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” ― A.A. Milne, “Winnie-the-Pooh” - “No man goes before his time — unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-60x60,f_auto,q_auto:best/newscms/2022_45/1930660/sarahfieldingheadshot_1.jpg)](https://www.today.com/author/sarah-fielding-tdpn269674) Sarah Fielding is an acclaimed journalist covering a range of topics with a focus on social issues, mental health, tech, careers, sex and relationships, health, and wellness. Her writing has appeared in over 40 publications, including TODAY, Engadget, Business Insider, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Fortune, The Guardian, and Healthline. [![](https://media-cldnry.s-nbcnews.com/image/upload/t_focal-60x60,f_auto,q_auto:best/newscms/2025_27/2092190/sarah_w_lemire_2024.jpg)](https://www.today.com/author/sarah-lemire-tdpn253868) Sarah Lemire is a lifestyle and entertainment reporter for TODAY based in New York City. She covers holidays, celebrities and everything in between.

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